Traveling witt da Wiseguy
By Tony Legatuna
As told to Bill Donnelly
Foist things foist. I’m known as “Big Tony” Legatuna. I’ll tell you right off I’m a wiseguy, a made-man in da Family, if yous knows what I mean. My cover, er, job is driving a limo for my boss, Vinny “Chickenlegs” Pauladuchi. Now da other day Vinny calls me into his office and tells me of a job he wants me to do. Seems he owes a big favor to “Uncle Chuck” Paul.
Now dis is a mug what changed his last name years ago to Americanize it, if yous knows what I mean. Something to do witt mistakes he made in his yoot, so I can’t really blame him. Yous know what they say, yoot is wasted on the young.
So anyways, Vinny wants me to drive “Uncle Chuck” and his wife, Patricia, and some of their acquaintances to a marathon called da Flying Pug
Marathon being held in . Now I of course jump at da chance to drive down to Cynci Nitti, because I know da history of da town. See, it was named after da widow of my distant cousin and right-hand man to Alphonse Capone, that being one Frank Nitti. See, after Frank died in da 1930s, his widow Cynci moved across da Ohio River from Cynci Nitti, Kentucky , and sets up shop. Took over da town and soon named it after herself. They say she was pug-ugly, so I’m guessing that’s why they named da marathon da Flying Pug. Cincinnati, Ohio
Sos anyways, I picks out da biggest stretch limo we got, and oily in da morning of May foist, I picks up my charges. Now we gets a late start cause one Jonathan Bialek took it upon himself to oversleep, thereby causing much pain and consternation among those what showed up on time. I asked “Uncle Chuck” if he wanted me to take care of da situation, if yous knows what I mean. Da late Jonathan coulda been sleeping wit da fishes right now, and I don’t mean witt da Legatunas, if yous knows what I mean. Miss Patricia Paul overhoid me and would have none of that. Jonathan, let me just tell you, you owes Miss Patricia big time.
But then da mug shows up, and he’s wit dis dame wit da handle Lisa Maly, and now I knows why da mug “overslept”, if yous knows what I mean. A real looker, this dame was, let me tell yous. But then so were all da dames on dis trip. I can’t say da same for da guys on da limo, but they all had some good looking dames hanging out witt them.
So let’s get da introductions out of da way foist off. Besides da ones already mentioned, there was Bill “Meterman” Donnelly and his goil, Diane “Swear on a Bible” McGuire. These two mugs were along for da ride just to cheer on their friends in da race. Nice guys, if yous knows what I mean. Also in da limo were Jack “Rodeo Boy” Rimlinger and his old lady, Susie. And I can’t forget Bill “Bo Didley” Bly, even though I’d like to. We just called him Billy Bo Didley.
Chris “Bubblegums” Connelly was there for da race, as was his goil Lisa “Da Banker” Fadden. She woiks for da M&T Bank, as does Laura “
” Ginnette and Mairead “Braineac” McKendry. They was all running da race, and now I knows who to go to when I gots some money what needs laundering, if yous knows what I mean. That McKendry dame went to one of those high falutin Poison Ivy League colleges like Yale, or Clemson, or Boston , I’m not sure which one. But she was ok for a high falutin college dame. Florida State
So da trip down went just ducky and I got the mugs to their race expo in Kentucky, and while they ran around getting race numbers, chips, free junk and shirts from da Fleet Feet from Cynci Nitti, I went and paid my respects at da graves of Cynci and Frank Nitti. It was a very moving ordeal, let me tell you, and I made sure I went back every chance I could over the next two days.
But anyways, for some reason da Flying Pug
Marathon started across da river in , sos I had to get these mugs to their hotel over there, and then we went out to eat. That was at some high falutin Italian place called Bippity Boppity Boom or something. We ate well and a good time was had by all, but da food was nothing like my dear old mama, “Big Rosie” Legatuna, could make. Oh well, when in Cincinnati , eat like da Romans do. Rome
Well, now I had to get da mugs back to da hotel, cause da race was starting at in da AM, if yous knows what I mean. Most went right to sleep, except for Billy Bo Didley, who stayed up all night writing some top ten list or something. Da others thought it was pretty funny, but it all kinda went right over my head. I’m guessing Jonathan didn’t sleep much, what witt getting all that extra sleep the night before.
But oily da next moining I got da runners loaded up, along witt da Pauls and Lisa Maly, and off we headed. For some reason they weren’t thrilled witt me stopping back in
to pay my respects at da graves again. I still got da mugs to their race just in time, which was good, as they didn’t have to stand around for long in da cold rain that was coming down. Off they went into the cold windy morning, I dropped da others off at a coffee place, and headed back to da hotel for da others, but of course I went by way of Kentucky . Yous just can’t pay too much respect to da dead. After picking up Bill, Diane, and Susie, it was once more back to Kentucky before getting the Pauls and “Nervous Nelly” Lisa all to da finish area. Just a comment, da flying pugs on all da shirts looked more like pigs to me. Guess they couldn’t afford a good artist. Kentucky
So Lisa, Susie and I waited for da crew to come in, but that wasn’t good enough for da others. They ran out to meet da runners, and “Uncle Chuck” ran in witt Chris, Miss Patricia and Diane ran in witt Lisa, And Bill ran in witt Billy Bo Didley. Let me tell yous, these mugs what ran the whole marathon did ok if yous ask me, what witt da cold conditions and all.
They all broke four hours, and they were all pleased to have beat da time of some mug named Loncto, at least ways the time what he ran in da last Boston Marathon. He must be some kinda runner, what witt them using him as da role model to beat. Anyways, Chris ran a , followed by Jonathan in , Laura in , Mairead in , Lisa in , Billy Bo Didley in , as was Jack Rimlinger. Not bad for a bunch of mugs as these guys was.
Being these mugs was as wet and cold as da weather outside, we headed right back to da hotel, skipping da party. They wouldn’t even let me get back one more time to
to pay my respects. What’s da woild coming to anyways. Kentucky
After da showers we headed back to
. We had some tired mugs in da limo, some slept, some watched movies, some had a beer or two. Let me tell yous, they all deserved it. It was a successful trip all around, if yous knows what I mean. And I got to pay my respects several times to Cynci and Frank Nitti. Buffalo